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Photo: Jacq Justice / Styling: Tay Sorrell 

Nothing is easy about self-awareness, a frightening pathogen that maneuvers into every feature of your social life, including parties, making social gatherings less a zenith and more a shared nadir—awful for you and possibly worse for others. meg elsier's single "oldnews" delves into this mental wrestling atop a chunky beat and elegantly stitched vocals, leaving us no choice but to fall for the sound. Wanting to know more about this artist, her debut album, spittake, and looking to supplement her already excellent storytelling, we went right to the singer-songwriter herself to unpack all the anxious excellence.

“spittake”

“spittake” came about when I was playing with the idea of personifying religious figures. I was imagining a conversation where I confronted God and was like, “Yo, is this all there is? Like, what am I supposed to do? What’s the plan?” and he just responds, “You thought there was more for you?” In my personifications, God—and other religious figures—aren’t saints or holy or whatever, they can also be immature assholes. The recording of “spittake” that made it on the album was actually kept in the original demo format. It’s extremely raw. I’m super proud of it! 

“iznotreal”

I got seven books about AI for Christmas and I was reading so much sci-fi and became obsessed with ‘consciousness’ and what it actually is. I still don't know what it is exactly, but what I did know at that time was that I was done with myself and that I had to dissociate. I had this constant feedback loop in my head telling me my suffering was special and then it would flip and I would feel the opposite. I kept questioning “why” and “how” for everything in my life; simple questions that make your head explode if you think about it too much. I had no connection to anything whatsoever but I was feeling everything with no way to interpret it. It was like I wasn’t even feeling anymore. I was equating. I was stashing information and numbing it. Basically, I just didn’t feel real. The "iznotreal" vocals were built up from a huge amount of stacks, 12 in total, of me singing very light and very quiet. The layering of those vocals mimics those intrusive and impulsive thoughts.

“ifshitfuq”

“ifshitfuq” was the first single I released from spittake. I think it’s a good introduction to the record sonically and lyrically. It’s sort of an identity crisis anthem that grapples with the mundanity of life. It really came from me thinking about why I’m still HERE, living the same life year after year. I’m still living in Nashville, and my friendships, relationship, career and life are all in the exact same place. When I was younger, I was always chasing an unstable, crazy, and addictive lifestyle. Living in that way was not sustainable in the long term, but it made me feel important and alive. This song is me accepting that I’m not going to be the person I thought I was going to be, and that’s okay. The most honest lyric I’ve ever written is in this song: “I never thought I was special, but I thought I’d do more.”

“eastside”

I live in East Nashville, so the song title was inspired by that. In a similar vein to “ifshitfuq,” “eastside” grapples with feeling stagnant in life. It’s about loving and hating where I am, mentally and physically. I feel so trapped sometimes by the way life can feel so cyclical, miserable, and monotonous. I’m taking the dramatic and intense things that are hard to deal with and just numbing and dulling them. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not. 

“youngestchild”

I am the youngest child in my family and I think I took up a lot of my parents’ attention when I was growing up, which wasn’t necessarily a good thing. I got in trouble a lot and I was always getting into fights with them. Now, I live in Nashville while the rest of my family still live on the East Coast. I feel a slight loss whenever I listen to this song, specifically, I wonder if time and distance can water down the relationship between me and my mother and father. It’s also a song about growing up and meeting your parents as adults, not just as people who are responsible for you, which is something you’re not really able to do until you’ve grown up.

“oldnews”

“oldnews” is essentially about experiencing social anxiety at parties. It’s self-absorbed but in the self-loathing way where you just can’t stop overthinking. It’s the feeling you get when you realize you’ve been telling the same stories over and over to the point that strangers know the punch lines and you’re too scared to risk anything to make new ones. It's the frustration you get when you tether between blaming others and blaming yourself to the point that you're just paralyzed. It's the phrase "over & over” but as a song. The song has these deep pounding sounds that just drive the point into your head and your gut.

“saturdaymorning”

“saturdaymorning” came from the most devastating and shaking losses I’ve had in my life. Artists or people can make death sound so poetic and poignant, like although something has been lost, something new will be reborn and play the perfect role of savior and replacement. But, I felt nothing. Nothing shifted. It wasn’t this tragic moment that taught me my humanity. It really gave me the “that's all I get” moment. Out of that cruel and miserable moment came nothing. I didn’t feel love differently. I didn’t feel inspired. I felt slightly cheated that I wasn’t shown or told this in the songs I listened to or the movies I watched. So maybe that’s what I’m trying to show, another side of this experience that is so different for others. Not everyone heals, grieves, or receives things in the same ways.

“takeout”

I think that love is really hard to write about when you’re in it, which I think is a little goofy. It’s about love in all its forms. It’s about the little things and big things, and how the most simple things can feel just as grand. It’s also a love letter to Nashville and, to be honest, a love letter to takeout. I love Postmates. I love eating in bed while I’m high and watching something – that’s something sacred to me. 

“forlyleinsanfrancisco”

“forlyleinsanfrancisco” was one of the last songs written for the album and was based off of a trip that I had visiting a friend in San Francisco. The trip was a fever dream. It was magnetic and uncomfortable and hypnotic and just felt like a trip that kept building and building and BUILDING. After my night out with Lyle, I swore I would move there! Start a new life, live among the fog and Alcatraz island. But coming back home was a completely different dog. I realized I think I wanted the exact opposite. That place was the finale. Something I couldn’t handle. There are so many elements in the song that I think are personality traits that I am letting you in on that I’ve presented as funny and as a joke. It's not. I wish I could be Lyle. I wish I could linger, give myself time to feel the moment. To feel the devastation or euphoria or adored or just fucking linger enough to know what the fuck is going on. But I am not like Lyle.

“baby”

This is probably one of the most honest songs on the record. “baby” is about experiencing imposter syndrome in every aspect of life – work, socializing, emotions, etc. – and as a result becoming too adept at catering to the needs of others. The sexiness and upbeatness of the song reflect the fake, manic pixie dream girl persona I felt myself putting on to appeal to others. I had a habit of trying to make everyone like me and trying to make everyone laugh. I was just mirroring what I thought other people wanted. It’s self-deprecating in a fucked up martyr way.  I wanted the sarcasticness of the song to also translate musically in “baby.” I think the upbeat, old-school background vocals remind me of people cheering you on even when they don’t have a clue why, which I think plays into the deeper meaning of it all. 

“LA” 

This song is straight-up spitting facts about my relationship with LA. Growing up, I always daydreamed of going to California because it was so different from my small Massachusetts hometown. When I finally had a chance to go to LA, I was shocked to find that it was nothing like I’d thought it would be. I just don’t fuck with LA at all and I don’t think LA fucks with me! To be honest, I think this song is really just me rejecting LA before it can reject me. It’s not a diss to the city but more so an exploration of my relationship with the place. I have so many friends who live there and love it, but it’s just uncomfortable for me. 

“LA” is the closing song on the album and I think it serves as a good bookend. In contrast to the raw demo quality of the album’s opener, “spittake,” “LA” is probably the most ambitious and indulgent production-wise. I worked with Ryan McFadden to create this atmosphere of emotions through the production. When the drums and instruments come in, it almost feels like an earthquake is happening. I love how the vocals sound slightly not human because I think it brings a level of dissociation to the song. It’s a dramatic song, but LA (and California in general – see: “forlyleinsanfrancisco”) just makes me go a little crazy.